i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
