I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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