Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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