Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
