Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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