your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize