Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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