I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
