I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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