Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
