i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
