Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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