I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
kristin has been a bad kristin
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
