I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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