i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
