I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize