honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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