New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
