My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
