who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
