mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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