oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
