the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
