I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
