I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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