I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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