he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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