I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
