So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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