saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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