i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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