there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
