It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
not ubering you a puppy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
