I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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