i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
