you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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