saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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