Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
