ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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