Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
