another moral hangover. fuck.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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