My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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