i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
