just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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