I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
