FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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