I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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