The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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