I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize