I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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