Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
