I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
