I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
