Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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