community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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