I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
