even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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