Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Sober January is a disaster.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
