Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
