If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
