My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
