He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
